this little light of mine
by partlysunny
Summary: There was a little heart beating inside her, telling her to go on/ Astoria is entering a whole new world.
1. the first month

**this little light of mine**

_and you, of the tender years _

_can't know the fears that your elders grew by_

.crosby, stills, nash, &young.

"teach your children"

_1._

Blue. It glowed around her navel, an ethereal light that seemed to illuminate the entire bathroom and bounce off the tiles and the marble counter and the mirror. She placed her palm over her belly, covering the glow, and pressed slightly, then moved her hand quickly. There was something alive in there. A child. Her child.

She dropped her wand and it clattered to the floor, rolling under the cabinet. The blue glow vanished at once, and the bathroom looked like its normal self again.

"Astoria?" A shuffling just outside the bathroom door, followed by a brisk, "Did you drop something?"

"Just my wand," she said. Her lips felt numb. She carefully reached down and picked up the holly stick, and as she stood up straight, she caught a look at her reflection. There was a young, scared girl staring back at her, wide-eyed and breathless. And there, inside her, small and tiny and innocent and fragile, was a baby. A _baby._

But how? How could she have a child when she was such a child herself, barely twenty-three? How would she do it? How?

A baby, inside _her_. She let out a cry of surprise and Draco burst into the room dramatically. Messy hair, shirt half unbuttoned, a far cry from his usually composed self. She almost laughed at his appearance and lost control over a hysterical little giggle. Draco swallowed hard.

"What's the result?" he asked. He raised his hand to touch her, but seemed to think better of it and shoved it into his pocket.

Seeing his distress calmed her just a bit. She straightened up slightly and said, "It's a baby."

He released a breath. A beat passed between them in silence. His cool grey eyes poured into her blue ones with an intensity she had never known before.

"Well," he said, "I'm glad it's not a hippogriff."

Astoria laughed, long and hard, and tears fell down her face and mingled with his as he held her.


	2. the second month

**this little light of mine**

_2._

Astoria watched the amber liquid slide down Draco's throat and glared at her own glass of juice. She used to love alcohol, love the burn and the heat and the buzz. Draco loved it too. He still could.

She couldn't.

"Alcohol is where I draw the line," he said when she bitterly pointed this out. "I can quit smoking, sleep on the other side of the bed, stop eating things with garlic and onions. But I can't stop drinking."

"Oh, okay, I'll just suffer by myself," she retorted, stabbing at her ravioli viciously.

"And I'm not suffering?" he snapped. He drained the rest of his glass and threw a hand up to hail a waiter. Before one could spot them, Astoria grabbed his hand and banged it down on the table, disrupting the silverware.

"Do you throw your insides up every morning?" she asked darkly, satisfied at the flash of fear that passed over his face for a second. "Are you always tired? Do you feel uncomfortable all the time? Do you hate the smell of things you used to love? Do you have to give up smoking and drinking _and _wearing high heels?"

Draco pursed his lips. Smirking triumphantly, Astoria sat back and daintily sipped her cranberry juice.

"I didn't think so," she said politely.

Carefully, he slid his hand out from under hers, still pinned on the table, and cupped her face with it. Surprised, Astoria just looked at him.

"You're being so strong," he said, smiling. "Because if I had to give up high heels, I might just die."

She tried to keep a straight face but failed horribly and turned to hide her smile behind his hand. The scent of cigarettes clung to his skin. She jerked back, slammed his hand back down onto the table, and growled, "Yes, you just might."

Needless to say, he slept on the couch that night.


	3. the third month

**this little light of mine**

_3._

"Draco!" Astoria screamed, balling her hands into fists at her side. "Merlin's beard, _what_ is taking you so long?"

"Oh, look at that, I've lost my special occasion tie, I guess I can't make it," was the reply, drifting downstairs from behind a closed door. Astoria felt her nails digging into her palms and imagined digging them into her husband's face.

"What do you mean, you've lost it?" she spat, stomping up the stairs. She could hear him scrambling around the bedroom as she got closer and stopped right outside the door. "Weren't you wearing it yesterday at Blaise's?"

"Uh… no?"

She kicked the door open to the sight of Draco in his underwear, hiding behind the closet door, and she lost it completely.

"Were you really standing there naked the entire time while I have been dressed and ready to go for a whole hour?" she boomed, so angry that she didn't even know what to do with herself. "My parents probably already started dinner without us! I can't believe this!"

"I can't go without my tie, so you should just go ahead and tell them I'm sick or something," Draco said hurriedly, ducking behind the closet door when she pulled out her wand. "Seriously, you shouldn't keep them waiting!"

"_I _shouldn't keep them waiting?" She pinched the bridge of her nose. _Deep breaths, Astoria, deep breaths and—_"DRACO MALFOY, IF YOU DON'T GET DRESSED RIGHT THIS MOMENT, SO HELP ME GOD I WILL HEX YOU FIVE WAYS FROM SUNDAY!"

She whipped out her wand to scare him into obedience but instead of cowering, he jumped out of the closet and raised himself to his full height.

"Astoria, I am not going with you to your parents'."

She frowned. "Why the hell not?"

A moment passed. They stared at each other in silence. Slowly, she lowered her wand and he relaxed his stance, but his face still held a rigidness that she wasn't used to.

"I can't," he said, then he groaned and added, "I won't! I won't sit across from your father at the table and be talked at like I'm not worthy of being part of his family, I won't listen to your mother complain about how you could've married better, I won't watch your sister and her perfect family and her flawless husband and think about how you could've been perfectly happy without me ruining your reputation with my bad name and damning our child before it's even born…." He trailed off, staring at a point past her shoulder, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed something she couldn't see. "It's like a constant reminder, being over there. That you could do so much better than me. So much better than a Malfoy."

Astoria didn't know she was crying until the tears dripped dropped down onto the hardwood floor, startling her out of the silence. She wanted to say something profound, something like how he was exactly the person she wanted to help venture into this strange new world of parenthood, something like how her parents would never know how invaluable he was to her, something about how he would drive her up the wall one day but she couldn't seem to imagine a life without him, but all that came out was a broken, "I'm a Malfoy now too, you know."

He gave a watery chuckle, and didn't protest when she summoned his dress robes and helped him put them on.


	4. the fourth month

**this little light of mine**

_4._

Big, grey eyes, blinking innocently up at Astoria through a thin film of tears that she knew was there for show. It still terrified her.

"Daph!" she yelled, never moving her eyes from the toddler. "She doesn't look happy."

"Just hold her off for a few minutes, I have to get Jimmy's bottle ready!" Daphne called from inside the kitchen, her voice too far to save Astoria now. A baby's shrill cry started up, followed by Daphne shushing and cooing, and Astoria knew she was on her own with her niece.

"I wan' breughlah," said Megan, rubbing her eye with her tiny knuckles. "I wan' it!"

"What is that?" Astoria asked, flinching as the child's eyes filled with more tears. "I don't know what that is!"

"I WAN' IT!" Megan screamed, then plopped onto the floor and wailed.

Astoria reached forward to pick her up but the girl slapped her hands away, throwing her head back and releasing an eldritch scream. A panic filled Astoria as she watched helplessly, until she caught a glance of Draco passing by the living room on his way to the front yard and called him over frantically.

"Dear God, what's wrong with it?" he asked, bending down and assessing Megan as though she were on sale.

"She wants something and I don't know what it is," Astoria explained quickly. "She won't stop screaming."

"It's okay, kid, just stop crying," Draco said.

The wailing ceased at once. Megan blinked up at Draco for a moment before opening her mouth and shrieking again, louder than before.

"Oh, my God. Daphne!"

"What have I gotten myself into?" Draco asked himself quietly, earning a slap upside the head from his wife.

"What do you mean by that exactly?" Astoria screamed to be heard over the noise, indignant. "This was a joint effort, I hope you remember that!"

"Merlin, Astoria, I was just being sarcastic, don't tell me pregnant people don't do sarcasm—"

"Look, could you please cooperate here? We have to get her to quiet down!"

"Let her scream a bit, it's healthy—"

"How is this healthy? Is this what you'll do to our child, Draco? Just let them scream? "

"Why do you always bring everything back to our child?"

"Why shouldn't I?" she yelled, all her panic turning into anger in seconds. "Why shouldn't everything be about our child? It's not about us anymore. It won't be ever again. Everything we do, every decision we make, every breath we take is for this child. _Everything_ comes back to our baby."

Silence. And not just from Draco. Megan had finally quieted down, staring up at Astoria with wide eyes and a slightly open mouth. She even permitted Astoria to lift her onto her lap and wipe her tears.

Draco watched Astoria pat Megan's face dry and caught her eye. There was an understanding written there, in the slate grey of the eyes that Astoria knew so well, an acknowledgement of her words. It really wasn't just about them anymore.

"Daphne," he called. "Come collect your banshee and leave me and my wife in peace."

"Hah," Daphne said, stumbling into the living room with little Jimmy sucking away on his bottle in her arms. "Peace. You better enjoy this peace while you have it, Malfoy. Say so long to fitful nights and shriek-free days."

Draco was silent for the rest of the visit to the Notts', no doubt pondering the rest of his life in misery.


End file.
